A few weeks ago I lost my shit at the gym. It was embarrassing and uncontrollable - It was like the fuse had just burnt out and I exploded. I'm glad it happened though.
To give some context, let me go back about a month or so further. I'd signed up to an online Crossfit competition which took place weekly over a five week period. The workout was released and I had to get it done within a few days and submit my scores online before the cut-off time and date. This workout involved a calorie row buy-in and then the work that counted to my score came after that. The day I lost it was the last workout of the qualifying series of workouts.
A friend and I agreed to complete the workout at the same time; our scorers were ready to go and off we went. The first round was tough and I knew I was in for a rough ride. To start round two, I strapped in to the rower and started to row. One pull, two pulls, three - what? The counter isn't working! Four pulls - nope, what the hell is going on? The fifth pull is when I lost my shit.
I wasn't in my own head anymore. The rage had taken over and had full control. I threw the handle, I was swearing. Screaming foul language. My scorer told me not to worry, just start again. She was trying to help. I yelled at her and stormed out.
I'd made a massive cock of myself over something that really didn't matter and wasn't the end of the world. I'm not a Crossfit Games athlete and there was not sheep station waiting for me at the end of this workout. It really didn't matter. When the rage subsided, I was embarrassed. I was disgusted in myself and now had to apologise to the people I consider friends; the people who should never have to deal with that type of behaviour from anyone, especially me.
Why would I be glad that this happened? Well, I knew in myself that things weren't right for me for quite a while before this. Smells, locations and even something as innocuous as water on the floor took me to a dark place. I know these are signs of PTSD but didn't want to accept that it was happening to me. Me losing it at the gym was the first public manifestation of the horrible shit that was going on in my head. It made me acutely aware that things weren't good and made me reflect a lot on what I was doing to sort my shit out. It many ways, it was a big driver for me to create MATE Sessions.
I'm not the only one going through this and I'm certainly not suffering as much as others are or have done in the past. I'm certainly not the last person who is going to lose their shit at some point.
What's important is knowing the signs that are telling you things aren't right. It's important to acknowledge them and to do something about addressing them. Are you struggling with something? Are you dealing with it proactively, in a healthy way? Are you a time-bomb waiting to go off?
MATE Sessions is a community of men who are committed to bettering themselves by learning about mental health issues and how to address these in themselves and their mates. Get in touch, attend a session and please, reach out if you're suffering.
Take it easy,
Strength - Vulnerability - Resilience